As I sit here on the eve of my 40th birthday, there are lots of things going through my mind, a lot of questions that I find myself asking. I don’t know whether I am asking myself these questions because I feel it’s something I need to be doing or should be doing. Maybe it’s because I feel it’s something a lot of people do when they’re reaching a milestone birthday.
Along the way there have been some really low-lows and some really high-highs and I have begun to piece together my life a chapter at a time.
In my early 30’s I was blessed with twin boys (Marinos and Christopher)…they bring me endless joy and endless worry…and of course 18 kilos along the way. It has taken me 40 years to understand my parents and my grandparents and how exactly I fit into that. It has also taken me that long to seriously regret putting my parents through any amount of worry, but knowing I have also brought them great joy.
I have loved passionately; I have also been hurt very deeply. That’s not all bad though, because as a result it has taught me how to forgive and rebuild. Even though sometimes it seems like this is the end, it’s really the beginning. I wish I could convey this to anyone who is feeling hopeless, because there is always hope.
There have been good friends made and lost, but the ones that count are still around.
I am stubborn to a fault. Having been independent my whole life, I know how to manage my own life and do it in an organized and methodical manner. I don’t require anything from anyone except their honesty and loyalty. It’s just the way I am – accept it or leave it.
There are things I wish I had done with my life – maybe taken more risks and not played it so safe sometimes. You know it was not an easy decision getting a divorce having two-year-old boys and being without a job just because I wanted to be a full time mum for my kids for a period of 4 years. Yet, I have no regrets with what I have done with my life and am not done trying yet.
What I wish more than anything is that I could forgive myself like I can forgive others. Comparatively, I am not a bad person, but ceaselessly wish I was better. Specifically, I wish I could give more of my time to my family and friends and myself. This decade I want to try to change that.
Physically my health is acceptable. The wrinkles have begun, but they’re not too noticeable, and they’re in a good place, indicating I have smiled often in my life. I am noticing a lot of white and grey hair lately but I can make it any color I want thanks to Mr. Mounir (hope I will visit him soon). I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be a bikini model, but that’s okay too.
LONG TERM PLANS
Recently a lot of people have been asking me what my five or ten-year-plan is now that I’m almost 40. I don’t know if I have one. I love traveling, I love venturing in to a new country and exploring the sights and sounds and I do love taking photos constantly and under any circumstances.
By now, I had hoped I would have experienced some of the Far East and visited some of the countries I’m really passionate about discovering like Japan, China, Hong Kong, Thailand and Singapore. I haven’t even set foot in the Far East yet but that’s not to say that it won’t come in this decade of my life (Thailand here I come in few months). I guess it’s always nice to have something to aim for. Things don’t always work out as planned but that’s OK.
I have always gone back and forth with the idea of having another child. It was highly doubtful I will ever have had another baby now that I’m hitting my forties but this year I put a big question mark on that since I missed so much holding a baby not to mention a baby-girl.
ASPIRATIONS
Aside from travelling, I don’t really know what’s on my five- or ten-year-plan. I’d like to invest time and effort in my blog. I’d also like to spend time mastering photography. I want to capture all of those wonderful moments that take place in my life and with my family.
I would like to explore my own skills and thanks to all my friends I do have now a fully professional NIKON as my 40th birthday gift. Christopher loves clicking photos and I really want to help him develop too.
I hold a Master of Science degree, yet what do I really know about things that matter? I have advanced my education, yet feel like I don’t know what I should know at this age. I lack wisdom and the patience that comes with it. Maybe that will come this decade finishing my PhD?
CAREER PLANS
In terms of my career, I’m really happy and fulfilled with where I am. Being in the Human Resource Field for the past 19 years made me a better person. I love what I am doing and I do feel blessed that for the past one and half year that I have the opportunity to be creative and explore new insights of my field. I’m content my career has gone the way it has.
This blog has opened up so many avenues for me already and I hope it continues to allow me to fulfill many of the dreams I still have. I’m glad I’ve put all these thoughts down on paper.
Maybe it takes 40 years to grow into an awesome woman. The past 40 years were all about preparation. Now I am both credible and incredible. 40 is the pivotal power age and here is why:
·You can become a doctor or lawyer and still have time left to practice;
·You can fall in love like a teenager and still have the time to grow up;
·You can marry a younger man without first having a facelift;
·You can have your first wedding anniversary;
·You can have children and still have the time to raise them
·You can shop at Victoria Secret without looking silly
·You can move to another country and still have the time to make it your home;
·You can take up a new sport without worrying about arthritis;
·You lived long enough to be sure about some things;
·You can say what you want and others will listen;
·You can still have fun without being medicated;
·You can do something that you have never done in your life.
It is true, certain things may never happen at 40. It is unlikely that Playboy will want you as their centerfold, just as the likelihood of ever being a grandma fades. While you cannot turn back time “turning 40” suggests something exciting! The simple phrase “turning” means you can turn into anything you want to be. You can turn to anything that you want to. It also means you can turn on your passion, turn on your greatness, turn the page, turn the corner and move on! You are halfway through life, but you still have the second half. No matter where you are in your life, there are no rules where you should be. It doesn’t matter whether you are happily married, single or divorced 5 times. It doesn’t matter if you have too many children, enough or none. It doesn’t even matter if you are highly educated; college educated or barely finished high school. At 40, the doors are wide open and you can still do anything you want.
And remember this motto to live by:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ “WOO HOO, what a ride!”
If anything, it’s made things so much clearer by writing all this. There will always be things I still want to see, do and achieve but for now, I’m really content with who I am. I’m so glad I had this chat with myself the night before the big 40!!
So, Here’s to more.
Yours Truly,
The BizandLove Lady!